i broke down a couple of weeks ago and just said i wanted to quit my job. coz i really need a break from working. and they were encouraging. but then she starts all these shit remarks over the last couple of weeks. like she always has. about how crap i am, and how i will struggle with stuff, and how i wont get another job and i will be completely fucked and i’ll never pull myself out of it, and ive got bills to pay blah blah. and then i was just done in when i got in last night and we ended up having this massive row coz she reckons she never says it. shes mad. she hardly been outside or done anything in about 10 years. she is always making shit up and denying shes said brutal things to me. she opens my mail, goes through my stuff, ever since she picked the lock on my diary when i was 16, she puts me down, she twists everything i say to her and tells my dad and megan lies, they complain about what she does to them, but neither of them stood up for me last night.
she then tells me i am sick in the head and need to see a doctor.

followed later by that the only reason she doesnt say it is because im her daughter but she hates me and doesnt care for anything that happens to me because it is all because of me.

im broken and i cant go back. she said she feels like im pushing her into her grave.

so i just packed a massive case last night because i cant take the denying and the way that she has shaped my outlook on everything. i am always thinking i am not good enough and its not because of me its because thats all i ever had off my mum, ever.

because they have nowhere else to go, they dont want her to attack them.
my sister is hardly there and my mum goes apeshit about it all the time, but shes not there because she cant deal with my mum.
and my dad and her scream and yell all day, every day.
but neither of them supported me at all.
spineless.

yeah it is because she is so unhappy about her own life.
but i think she is a bit messed up. because she seriously believes we’re all bullying her. its like shes making up her own reality all the time.
but yeah.
fuck going back.
i have enough stuff for like 2 weeks so i need to figure out what the hell im gonna do.

These crispbreads I found whilst out at lunchtime, after I brought a packet at home. They’re fantastic, but wheat and grain truly does something odd to me.

After drinking my way through a bar’s worth of cider, gin and Christmas themed cherry flavoured cocktails, we staggered home, entire pizza in hand each, still having to get up for work on the friday. And when I feel dire, I eat everything in sight. Two chocolate pastries, a medium Americano, a bottle of diet coke, some of Tom’s leaving cakes, a Pret Swedish meatball ragu wrap, a can of yoga bunny detox, a Burger King Chocolate milkshake, more of Tom’s leaving cake, a huge bowl of spicy bolgnese with two servings worth of pasta covered in cheese, and as if that wasn’t enough, Hagaan Daaz cookies & cream.

Yes, quite.

So, Friday night, I took the Senna tea. Saturday morning, the Salt Water Flush didn’t go anywhere. Which quite frankly worried the hell out of me, and has subsequently put me off doing it. And I’m now on my 3rd day of drinking nothing but spring water, and the lemon & maple cayenne mix. The first day, I put far too much cayenne in and barely made it through 1ltr of the mixture. Yesterday I adjusted that though, and it’s fine now.

I’ve discovered I’m not actually hungry in the slightest. But I crave the action, and ritual, of eating. I also miss rich tastes. I eat mostly out of boredom and frustration. When people aren’t there, food is. I can’t wait to eat fresh raw foods when I’m off the cleanse. Starting at the weekend, at home, with nothing to and nowhere to go was a great help. Pretty beat, but able to snooze it off, and away from any social situations (or should i say expectations) kept me going. I’m in mild disbelief that I’m sat at my desk at work, on a monday, feeling relatively clear headed and well, on my third day. I know there’s going to be days where I feel like total shit. But that won’t feel anywhere near as terrible as if I quit.

Here’s to the next 7 days, and all the cleaner days that follow.

why, infact, can one do everything in one’s power to do everything but.

i turned 25 yesterday, and i am still a pissy kid when it comes to eating. i am a sulky, greedy brat.

i am 180 degrees from a fortnight ago – all self control is gone and i have stuffed my face for days straight. i know my beach holiday is merely a month away and it’s as if i am making it inhumanely difficult for myself to get my horrible body out.

but i’ve ordered that bikini set, and i have 30 days to fucking sort it out.

come on.

riddled, remains my psyche.